Parenting is filled with highs and lows, and sometimes, we find ourselves reacting in ways we later regret. There is a powerful strategy that can turn these difficult moments into opportunities for growth and connection: repair. Becky Kennedy, an American clinical psychologist and founder and CEO of the Good Inside company, sheds light on the importance of repair in parenting in her TED Talk. Dubbed the “millennial parent whisperer” by Time Magazine, Kennedy offers invaluable insights for parents.
Understanding Repair
Repair is the act of revisiting a moment of disconnection with your child, taking responsibility for your actions, and acknowledging the impact it had on them. It’s more than just an apology; it’s a way to open up a conversation and rebuild trust and connection.
The Impact of Unrepaired Ruptures
When conflicts go unrepaired, children often resort to self-blame, thinking something is wrong with them. This can lead to anxiety, depression, and feelings of worthlessness in adulthood. Addressing these moments can prevent long-term emotional issues and build a stronger bond with your child.
Scenario: Tantrums and Anger
Imagine your child throws a tantrum and reacts with anger, such as shouting or slamming doors. In the heat of the moment, you might yell back or punish them without fully understanding the underlying issues.
Steps to Repair
1. Repair with Yourself
Before you can “repair” with your child, it’s important to repair with yourself. Separate your identity from your behavior. Acknowledge that while you may not be proud of your actions, they don’t define you. This self-compassion allows you to approach your child from a place of understanding rather than guilt.
Tangible Action Steps:
- Take a few deep breaths or a short walk to calm down.
- Reflect on your reaction and remind yourself that mistakes are part of parenting.
- Acknowledge and understand: “I recognize how I reacted, and I’m aware of what I can do differently next time.”
2. Repair with Your Child
Once you have processed your own feelings, approach your child to discuss the incident. Name what happened, take responsibility for your actions, and explain what you would do differently next time. This helps your child understand that everyone makes mistakes and that taking responsibility is a key part of maintaining healthy relationships.
Tangible Action Steps:
- Choose a calm moment to talk, not immediately after the incident.
- Start the conversation by acknowledging your part: “I’m sorry for yelling when you were upset. That wasn’t helpful.”
- Validate their feelings: “I understand that my reaction made you feel worse. It’s okay to feel angry sometimes.”
- Discuss ways to move forward: “Let’s talk about why you were upset and how we can handle it better next time.”
3. Teaching Through Repair
Repairing not only fixes the immediate conflict but also provides a valuable teaching moment. You can help your child learn how to express their feelings respectfully and handle disappointment. This kind of emotional coaching equips them with the skills to navigate their own relationships more effectively.
Tangible Action Steps:
- Encourage your child to express their feelings: “I can see you’re upset. Can you tell me why you’re feeling this way?”
- Help them identify constructive solutions: “What can we do next time you feel this way? Do you need a quiet space or someone to talk to?”
- Reinforce positive behavior: “I appreciate that you’re talking to me about this. Let’s keep working on it together.”
4. It’s Never Too Late
It’s important to remember that it’s never too late to start repairing. Whether your child is in elementary school or high school, making amends can have a profound impact on their emotional development and your relationship. The earlier you start, the greater the positive impact on their emotional well-being.
Tangible Action Steps:
- If past incidents have gone unrepaired, address them now: “I’ve been thinking about how I reacted when you were upset before. I’m sorry I didn’t handle it well.”
- Show a commitment to change: “From now on, I want us to work together on these issues instead of arguing. Let’s make a plan to handle our emotions better.”
Repairing relationships is the single most important parenting strategy because it transforms moments of conflict into opportunities for growth and deeper connection. By acknowledging our mistakes and taking responsibility, we teach our children valuable lessons in empathy and communication. It’s never too late to start repairing, and the benefits will resonate throughout your child’s life, creating a foundation of trust and emotional resilience.