As parents, the ultimate goal is to nurture Sagradans who will grow into confident, self-assured adults—individuals capable of forming healthy relationships, setting boundaries, and living authentically. But, certain common parenting behaviors, often unintentional, can lead children to become “people pleasers”—those who constantly seek approval from others by missing out on their own needs, emotions, and identity.
People pleasing might seem relatively harmless, but this tendency can have deep, long-lasting negative impacts on self-esteem, mental health, and overall well-being if left unaddressed. Let’s explore ten strategies to break this cycle and raise confident, self-assured kids.
1. Comparing Them to Others
Comparing children to their siblings or peers can make them feel inadequate and compel them to seek validation through pleasing people.
Example: Parent: “Why can’t you be more like your brother? He always gets good grades.”
Instead, celebrate their unique strengths and achievements: “Everyone has different talents. I can see the effort you’re putting into your studies.”
2. Invalidating Their Feelings
When parents brush off their children’s emotions as trivial, it teaches them to disregard their own feelings. Over time, this can lead to emotional disconnection and difficulty in self-expression.
Example: Child: “I feel sad because my friend didn’t want to play with me during the break from school.”
Parent: “Don’t worry about it. It’s not a big deal.”
A better approach is to acknowledge and validate their emotions: “I understand that you’re feeling sad because of what happened. It’s normal to feel that way.”
3. Using Guilt and Shame
Guilt and shame can be powerful tools to elicit compliance, but they can also harm a child’s self-esteem and teach them to prioritize others’ feelings over their own.
Example: Parent: “If you don’t help pack for the vacation, you’re making me very disappointed.”
A healthier approach is to explain the importance of their actions without inducing guilt: “Packing for the vacation is important so we can all enjoy our trip. Let’s work on it together.”
4. Overruling Their Decisions
Automatically dismissing children’s choices without considering their perspective can make them feel powerless and undervalued. This discourages them from expressing their preferences and needs.
Example: Child: “I want to wear my red shirt today for our day trip.”
Parent: “No, you’re wearing the blue one.”
Instead, try to involve them in the decision-making process: “You like the red shirt? It looks great, but how about the blue one for today? You can wear the red one tomorrow.”
5. Praising Only Compliance
While it’s important to encourage cooperation, exclusively praising compliance can make children feel that their value is tied to pleasing others. This can stifle their individuality.
Example: Parent: “Good job for doing exactly what I said.”
Balance praise for compliance with recognition of their creativity and independence: “I appreciate how you followed the instructions and added your own creative touch!”
6. Reacting Harshly to Mistakes
Children make mistakes as they learn and grow. Reacting with anger or frustration can cause them to fear making mistakes and hide their true selves.
Example: Child: accidentally spills juice during a picnic
Parent: “I told you to be careful! Now look at this mess!”
A calmer, more constructive response can help: “Accidents happen. Let’s clean this up together and try to be more careful next time.”
7. Setting Unrealistic Expectations
Parents may unintentionally set unrealistic expectations for their children, leading them to feel that they must meet these standards to gain approval. This can create a fear of failure and a desire to please at any cost.
Example: Parent: “You need to get all A’s this semester, or I’ll be very disappointed.”
A more supportive approach is to encourage effort and progress: “I know you’re working hard in school. Let’s focus on doing your best and learning from any challenges.”
8. Neglecting Self-Care and Showing Resentment
Parents often make sacrifices for their children, but neglecting self-care and showing resentment can set a poor example. This teaches children to ignore their own needs for others.
Example: Parent: “I never get any time for myself because I’m always taking care of you, even during this break.”
Model self-care by expressing your needs calmly: “Mommy needs some quiet time to relax. Let’s find something you can do quietly for a while.”
9. Ignoring Their Individuality
Failing to recognize and nurture a child’s individuality can cause them to feel unappreciated and compel them to conform to others’ expectations.
Example: Parent: “You should join the soccer team like your friends.”
Encourage them to explore their own interests and passions: “What activities do you enjoy? Let’s find something that makes you happy.”
10. Discouraging Healthy Disagreement
Children need to learn how to voice their opinions and disagree respectfully. Making them feel guilty for having different opinions can hinder their development of critical thinking and autonomy.
Example: Child: “I don’t feel like going to the beach today.”
Parent: “How can you say that? Everyone else wants to go. You’ll ruin the day for everyone.”
Encourage open communication and respect their feelings: “I understand you’re not in the mood to go to the beach today. Let’s talk about why and see if we can find a way that we can both agree on.”
The Consequences of Teaching People Pleasing
The habit of people pleasing often begins in childhood but can have severe ripple effects across one’s lifespan, including:
☑️ Difficulty developing an authentic sense of self
☑️ Challenges in setting boundaries in relationships
☑️ Poor self-esteem and self-worth tied to others’ approval
☑️ Struggles in making decisions out of fear of displeasing others
☑️ Higher risk for anxiety, depression, and other mental health issues
Teaching people pleasing can rob children of the skills to develop into securely self-assured, self-actualized adults capable of having healthy relationships and a strong sense of identity.
Breaking the Cycle
To raise emotionally resilient, confident children who don’t rely on people pleasing for self-worth:
✅ Validate their emotions through empathetic listening
✅ Respect and consider their wants and needs
✅ Use positive reinforcement rather than shame or guilt
✅ Model self-confidence and self-care
✅ Encourage open communication, differing opinions, and independent thinking
With patience and conscious parenting, we can break the cycle of pleasing people and instead nurture our children’s journey to defining their authentic selves—teaching them their voice and identity matter just as much as being cooperative members of a family.
The greatest gift we can provide our children is a deep sense of self-worth that isn’t dependent on pleasing others. With that unshakable foundation, we set them up to form healthy relationships, set boundaries, and live with confidence as self-actualized adults.